OMG

So I just realized that I got a really bad grade on a TAKE HOME quiz because I'm a freaking idiot and didn't answer two of the questions. I was so flabbergasted as to why I did so badly, then I looked through it just now and realized that it's not because I'm a dumbass, it's because I'm a complete dumbass. Now that I'm all pissed off at myself, I can't imagine I'll be able to fall asleep. Nobody's online (since it is 1:45am), Nate won't respond to my skype calls, Nate is bored and wants us to update the blog, so I decided to blog. Nate also said that the blog has been super depressing lately, which is completely accurate, so I'll try not to dwell on my idiocy for too long. I'm an idiot. Ok, I'm done now.

Well I just returned from a rather eventful spring break. Some highlights would include drinking Beck's at sugarloaf and downing a bag burger, drinking white russians with Lemma's dad, drinking legally in Canada, and drinking Baileys. Ok so that was the alcoholic in me talking. Some real highlights were seeing Penguins at the biodome, going clubbing for the first time ever, eating poutine at 3am (gross), ordering that poutine almost entirely in French--and I've only had 1 quarter of French and that was in 7th grade! great success--I also watched almost an entire season of scrubs in the comfort of my own bed, memory foam and all. Michelle so graciously pointed me out to Matt Macone at UMaine, so I had a substantially awkard convo. I had a radio interview on MPR. And if you already know this because you're cool and listen to MPR on a regular basis, Susan Nance has probably the sexiest voice ever. I'm pretty sure if I had her voice, rpattz would be my boyfriend, and instead of me making him talk incessantly I could hear his sexy British accent, he would shut the hell up and make me talk dirty to him always. If only........I also had a big concert with this big violinist. She was actually quite small--like size 5 feet--but she was BIG as in she graduated from Julliard and then got her masters from Julliard and then debuted in Carnegie hall...yeah, BIG. Her name was Kinga, which is like kangaroo or pongo or something, and she was polish, so she also had a wicked accent. cool shit. I'm kinda overtired so I'm not going to go into it more.
Today I had to kill a lobster, which was terrible because I hate killing lobsters. It's the main reason why I don't eat them. Oh here's a funny story:
So we went out to eat after my concert, and by we I mean me, my parents, and my uncle. We went out at 8, so we were all really overtired (like I am now), and then the adults started drinking. By the time dessert rolled around, my uncle was a tad bit tipsy. The waiter (who had an abnormally high pitched voice...odd) came by, took our order for a Boca Negra (which means black mouth if you were wondering. It was a chocolate torte thing--chocolate in your mouth: black mouth. Get it? nobody else does). So the adults were all giddy for the cake. At this point I didn't give a shit about anything except sleeping. The waiter then came by again and said they just sold the last piece of Boca Negra, to which my uncle responded, "Oh I knew it! I heard her ordering it, and I thought OH SHIT, that's the last piece. That little bitch." The waiter just kinda left, then the head waiter or something came over and told us they "found" another piece of Boca Negra. And all was happy. Except me, I was fucking tired. Nonetheless, it was hilarious. Also, if you want anything in life, just swear in really inappropriate situations or be drunk. My family is crazy. And that's why I am going to Hawaii with them...not because I lost my job or anything. Here's a pic of Hawaii. This is for me, so that I can forget about how much of a depressing idiot I am. OK THAT'S THE END of the negative nanciness. I promise. Just look and enjoy.

As you may have deciphered from recent posts, these past couple weeks have been, let's just say, shitty as balls. I was laying on my bunkbed trying to do my reading for music, which was only 21 pages, and all I could think about was the moderately terrible events that have been occurring in my life that seem to be adding up to a fucking catastrophe. Now that I'm writing this, I feel like a dbag since there are so many people around the world that have WAY bigger problems than I do. So, in order to alleviate my current state of dbagness and negative nancy state of mind, I'm going to conjure up some positive things that have happened recently (if my ski coach was reading this right now, thank god he's mo def not, he would be so proud--he thinks I'm a major negative nancy pants).

Today, I got approved from Bowdoin to go abroad next semester! Which reminds me... This is an abroad app essay in the making that everyone should and will appreciate (courtesy of Lemma):

Describe yourself

I am very goal orientated. One of my biggest goals in life is to marry up. After I saw pictures of hot aussies in Cosmo I decided I have to go there to find my future husband. I have very high standards. The Australians in cosmo met those standards and they are also movie stars meaning they are rich. So I will be meeting my standards and I will become rich. Goal achieved.
I am a hard working, dedicated, team player. I am compassionate and I am Emma’s best friend. I am very dependable. I am honest. I do not know how to surf. I like to try new things. I do not like squid. I like older men. I like the ocean. I am easy to live with. I am Emma’s big spoon. I like to make people smile. I didn’t like apples when I was little, and I like them now. I eat cereal a lot. I am glad I am not an only child. I hate conflict. I like sleeping in tents. I am a push over. I am easily entertained. I wish I knew how to play the piano well. I am a horrible speller. I am not a slow driver. I like to make and listen to music. I am a creeper. I burp a lot. My feet smell when I wear my Australian Emu’s. I am vulgar. I like it when young children use vulgar language.


In case you were wondering, I did not send that essay in. Even though that describes me probably better than what I did write, which was something along the lines of dedicated, intellectual, outgoing, compassionate, blah, blah, blah. The only thing that matters is on the outside anyway, right? Which is another awesome thing about living the aussie life for a while. I'm so coming back tanner, blonder, and skinnier, maybe even with a sexy accent. I should probably work on that now. Since I'll be going to Montreal (BALLIN) over spring break (SPRING BREAKKKK!), and nobody in Montreal except Aliza knows who I am, I can just practice my australian accent and I'll get all sorts of hott canadians all up in my grill. Great success. Well I'd say that's enough uplifting food for thought for now. Back to my reading.

Sex toys and mexico.

So I felt bad about leaving such a depressing update last night. I've come up with a solution to my sleeping around problem. I've come to the conclusion that I will buy a vibrator. That way, I can just pretend I'm sleeping around. But I won't be a slut and get aids. This is the one I'm probably going to buy.

It's called "Butterfly kiss" and the tagline is, "Flutter your way to pleasure with this sweet little butterfly." which makes me laugh hysterically. So

me of these things are fucking expensive too. This one is the Lelo Golden Vibrator will run you up $1500.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!??! ONE THOUSAND. FIVE HUNDRED. DOLLARS. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me. And the weird shit that I found when I was on these sites was amazing. Like this one. I used to have a belly button ring with this shit on it, and when it caught on your skin that shit was painful. cant even imagine this on a vagina. ouch.

Then there were some that didn't even make sense and creeped me the fuck out. maybe someone who has a fetish for the 2nd Pirates of the Caribbean?? Someone who thought the Kraken was super hott?

And here. is the piéce de résistance. This beauty is called, "The Accommodator." Brilliant, no? As a woman though, i'm pretty sure i wouldnt enjoy this. It's honestly creepy as hell.

Okay. enough with the dildos. At this current moment I'm listening to tapes (yep. tapes.) to learn spanish. they were made in the 80s and are all, "where is the taxi station?" which will be extremely helpful when I go to Mexico in 2 days. I haven't packed and I'm not really excited because I don't really know anyone else that's going. I dont even know what i'll be doing down there. the whole trip is really disorganized and just. blah. I'll probably just turn these shitty tapes off and watch Bones and maybe nap. Read Jane Austen for the 20934857th time. I love feeling like a lazy shit on vaca. makes me happy. Love you mare. love you aliza. love you natie.... i think i got everyone who reads this.... hahahah oh god.

Depression at its finest.

Do not read if you are looking for a pick-me-up or if you ever wish to feel happy again:

So mare said I can use the blog for a therapist. and i will use visual aids as to give it some kind of levity. So here we go.

I've been drinking. A lot. Like, 7 days a week, starting at 9am a lot.

and I've been sleeping around. A lot. Like, sleeping with a guido. Twice. And then sleeping with some guy in my music history class. who's really not attractive at. all. and this kid must have had acidic sperm or something because it broke the condom.

and my friend hannah had to drive me to get the morning after pill. on valentines day. Hey! who needs chocolate and flowers when you can have plan b!!!!

It started right after Fred dumped me. well. not dumped me. god it's been a long time since i blogged. fred is this guy who is perfect in every way shape and form. He's a grad student who is miraculously rich, drives a motorcycle, used to be on the hockey team, works for NASA in the summers, is gallant and just, a nice guy. He took me to see avatar, paid and everything, and was really affectionate which i found disarming seeing as all I'm used to is Ryan. who would never, ever show affection in public because he was so horribly embarrassed by me. (why? i still don't understand.)

Anyhoo. Fred told me one day that it just wasn't going to work. Gave me the whole "just friends" speech. and seeing as we only went on one date and hung out only a couple of times, it wasn't like he actually dumped me. It was just the whole being rejected thing I guess. and then the drinking started. and the sleeping around. And i realized that the only way i can feel wanted is through my vagina.

I'd give anything not to be rejected again because i just dont think i can handle it. It sounds stupid and childish, but somedays I don't think i'll ever get over ryan. and i've been calling him ryan now because it actually physically hurts to say the "a" name. it's also easier to say "he left me" instead of "he dumped me" or "he broke up with me". why? who knows. Our anniversary is coming up. Gonna be a tough one. April fools day. i wish it had all been a joke. just one. big. joke.

I really have nothing else to say. This has been the worlds worst blog update ever. sorry to the multitude of fans out there. fuck.

LOOOOVE

MICHELLE.

Since this was the shittiest day ever, I'm posting the 10 things that Michelle and I love the most in this world. Instant happiness
(these are not necessarily in order of increasing happiness yield. Except for #10. Duh.)

1. Whales. Preferably orca whales. see previous post

2. Star Wars. Even if Mark Hamill is only good looking in A New Hope. Darthy makes up for it
3. Fabio. Better known as Scott Woolweaver
4. The $1 bins at target. Especially a week before major holidays i.e. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, July 4th, the first day of spring...you know, the important ones
5. Miley Cyrus and her clothing designing talents.

6. Kevin.
7. Alabama and everything that comes with it--hushpuppies, dank weddings, southern drawls, southern boys, southern manners, drank, zebra-skin rugs, drank
8. Cody baby


9. Mimosas. Especially if it's 11am

10. Nate. and Sam too. Duh.