Depression at its finest.

Do not read if you are looking for a pick-me-up or if you ever wish to feel happy again:

So mare said I can use the blog for a therapist. and i will use visual aids as to give it some kind of levity. So here we go.

I've been drinking. A lot. Like, 7 days a week, starting at 9am a lot.

and I've been sleeping around. A lot. Like, sleeping with a guido. Twice. And then sleeping with some guy in my music history class. who's really not attractive at. all. and this kid must have had acidic sperm or something because it broke the condom.

and my friend hannah had to drive me to get the morning after pill. on valentines day. Hey! who needs chocolate and flowers when you can have plan b!!!!

It started right after Fred dumped me. well. not dumped me. god it's been a long time since i blogged. fred is this guy who is perfect in every way shape and form. He's a grad student who is miraculously rich, drives a motorcycle, used to be on the hockey team, works for NASA in the summers, is gallant and just, a nice guy. He took me to see avatar, paid and everything, and was really affectionate which i found disarming seeing as all I'm used to is Ryan. who would never, ever show affection in public because he was so horribly embarrassed by me. (why? i still don't understand.)

Anyhoo. Fred told me one day that it just wasn't going to work. Gave me the whole "just friends" speech. and seeing as we only went on one date and hung out only a couple of times, it wasn't like he actually dumped me. It was just the whole being rejected thing I guess. and then the drinking started. and the sleeping around. And i realized that the only way i can feel wanted is through my vagina.

I'd give anything not to be rejected again because i just dont think i can handle it. It sounds stupid and childish, but somedays I don't think i'll ever get over ryan. and i've been calling him ryan now because it actually physically hurts to say the "a" name. it's also easier to say "he left me" instead of "he dumped me" or "he broke up with me". why? who knows. Our anniversary is coming up. Gonna be a tough one. April fools day. i wish it had all been a joke. just one. big. joke.

I really have nothing else to say. This has been the worlds worst blog update ever. sorry to the multitude of fans out there. fuck.

LOOOOVE

MICHELLE.