As you may have deciphered from recent posts, these past couple weeks have been, let's just say, shitty as balls. I was laying on my bunkbed trying to do my reading for music, which was only 21 pages, and all I could think about was the moderately terrible events that have been occurring in my life that seem to be adding up to a fucking catastrophe. Now that I'm writing this, I feel like a dbag since there are so many people around the world that have WAY bigger problems than I do. So, in order to alleviate my current state of dbagness and negative nancy state of mind, I'm going to conjure up some positive things that have happened recently (if my ski coach was reading this right now, thank god he's mo def not, he would be so proud--he thinks I'm a major negative nancy pants).

Today, I got approved from Bowdoin to go abroad next semester! Which reminds me... This is an abroad app essay in the making that everyone should and will appreciate (courtesy of Lemma):

Describe yourself

I am very goal orientated. One of my biggest goals in life is to marry up. After I saw pictures of hot aussies in Cosmo I decided I have to go there to find my future husband. I have very high standards. The Australians in cosmo met those standards and they are also movie stars meaning they are rich. So I will be meeting my standards and I will become rich. Goal achieved.
I am a hard working, dedicated, team player. I am compassionate and I am Emma’s best friend. I am very dependable. I am honest. I do not know how to surf. I like to try new things. I do not like squid. I like older men. I like the ocean. I am easy to live with. I am Emma’s big spoon. I like to make people smile. I didn’t like apples when I was little, and I like them now. I eat cereal a lot. I am glad I am not an only child. I hate conflict. I like sleeping in tents. I am a push over. I am easily entertained. I wish I knew how to play the piano well. I am a horrible speller. I am not a slow driver. I like to make and listen to music. I am a creeper. I burp a lot. My feet smell when I wear my Australian Emu’s. I am vulgar. I like it when young children use vulgar language.


In case you were wondering, I did not send that essay in. Even though that describes me probably better than what I did write, which was something along the lines of dedicated, intellectual, outgoing, compassionate, blah, blah, blah. The only thing that matters is on the outside anyway, right? Which is another awesome thing about living the aussie life for a while. I'm so coming back tanner, blonder, and skinnier, maybe even with a sexy accent. I should probably work on that now. Since I'll be going to Montreal (BALLIN) over spring break (SPRING BREAKKKK!), and nobody in Montreal except Aliza knows who I am, I can just practice my australian accent and I'll get all sorts of hott canadians all up in my grill. Great success. Well I'd say that's enough uplifting food for thought for now. Back to my reading.

Sex toys and mexico.

So I felt bad about leaving such a depressing update last night. I've come up with a solution to my sleeping around problem. I've come to the conclusion that I will buy a vibrator. That way, I can just pretend I'm sleeping around. But I won't be a slut and get aids. This is the one I'm probably going to buy.

It's called "Butterfly kiss" and the tagline is, "Flutter your way to pleasure with this sweet little butterfly." which makes me laugh hysterically. So

me of these things are fucking expensive too. This one is the Lelo Golden Vibrator will run you up $1500.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS!??! ONE THOUSAND. FIVE HUNDRED. DOLLARS. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me. And the weird shit that I found when I was on these sites was amazing. Like this one. I used to have a belly button ring with this shit on it, and when it caught on your skin that shit was painful. cant even imagine this on a vagina. ouch.

Then there were some that didn't even make sense and creeped me the fuck out. maybe someone who has a fetish for the 2nd Pirates of the Caribbean?? Someone who thought the Kraken was super hott?

And here. is the piéce de résistance. This beauty is called, "The Accommodator." Brilliant, no? As a woman though, i'm pretty sure i wouldnt enjoy this. It's honestly creepy as hell.

Okay. enough with the dildos. At this current moment I'm listening to tapes (yep. tapes.) to learn spanish. they were made in the 80s and are all, "where is the taxi station?" which will be extremely helpful when I go to Mexico in 2 days. I haven't packed and I'm not really excited because I don't really know anyone else that's going. I dont even know what i'll be doing down there. the whole trip is really disorganized and just. blah. I'll probably just turn these shitty tapes off and watch Bones and maybe nap. Read Jane Austen for the 20934857th time. I love feeling like a lazy shit on vaca. makes me happy. Love you mare. love you aliza. love you natie.... i think i got everyone who reads this.... hahahah oh god.

Depression at its finest.

Do not read if you are looking for a pick-me-up or if you ever wish to feel happy again:

So mare said I can use the blog for a therapist. and i will use visual aids as to give it some kind of levity. So here we go.

I've been drinking. A lot. Like, 7 days a week, starting at 9am a lot.

and I've been sleeping around. A lot. Like, sleeping with a guido. Twice. And then sleeping with some guy in my music history class. who's really not attractive at. all. and this kid must have had acidic sperm or something because it broke the condom.

and my friend hannah had to drive me to get the morning after pill. on valentines day. Hey! who needs chocolate and flowers when you can have plan b!!!!

It started right after Fred dumped me. well. not dumped me. god it's been a long time since i blogged. fred is this guy who is perfect in every way shape and form. He's a grad student who is miraculously rich, drives a motorcycle, used to be on the hockey team, works for NASA in the summers, is gallant and just, a nice guy. He took me to see avatar, paid and everything, and was really affectionate which i found disarming seeing as all I'm used to is Ryan. who would never, ever show affection in public because he was so horribly embarrassed by me. (why? i still don't understand.)

Anyhoo. Fred told me one day that it just wasn't going to work. Gave me the whole "just friends" speech. and seeing as we only went on one date and hung out only a couple of times, it wasn't like he actually dumped me. It was just the whole being rejected thing I guess. and then the drinking started. and the sleeping around. And i realized that the only way i can feel wanted is through my vagina.

I'd give anything not to be rejected again because i just dont think i can handle it. It sounds stupid and childish, but somedays I don't think i'll ever get over ryan. and i've been calling him ryan now because it actually physically hurts to say the "a" name. it's also easier to say "he left me" instead of "he dumped me" or "he broke up with me". why? who knows. Our anniversary is coming up. Gonna be a tough one. April fools day. i wish it had all been a joke. just one. big. joke.

I really have nothing else to say. This has been the worlds worst blog update ever. sorry to the multitude of fans out there. fuck.

LOOOOVE

MICHELLE.

Since this was the shittiest day ever, I'm posting the 10 things that Michelle and I love the most in this world. Instant happiness
(these are not necessarily in order of increasing happiness yield. Except for #10. Duh.)

1. Whales. Preferably orca whales. see previous post

2. Star Wars. Even if Mark Hamill is only good looking in A New Hope. Darthy makes up for it
3. Fabio. Better known as Scott Woolweaver
4. The $1 bins at target. Especially a week before major holidays i.e. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, July 4th, the first day of spring...you know, the important ones
5. Miley Cyrus and her clothing designing talents.

6. Kevin.
7. Alabama and everything that comes with it--hushpuppies, dank weddings, southern drawls, southern boys, southern manners, drank, zebra-skin rugs, drank
8. Cody baby


9. Mimosas. Especially if it's 11am

10. Nate. and Sam too. Duh.

Imagine diving naked into a swimming pool of awesomeness

A lot has happened since break. A whole big lot. Since I'm usually really lazy and make lists instead of being all elaborate and eloquent, I think I'll just keep up my rep.

1. Michelle and I made friendship bracelets while watching Free Willy. We may or may not be a couple of 13 year old girls. Also, what would you do if you saw a whale in the forest? It's ok if you don't have an answer because I certainly have no idea. I mean, I would want to save it and maybe try to save it, but let's be honest, I don't think I would help, at all. Then I'd probably cry. Everyone loses--I lose, Keiko loses, the forest loses. That's a lot of blubber.

2. I smacked down a 15k skate race

2.5. I almost died. Context: we stayed at this sketch motel in Lake Placid. Grace and I roomed together in this sketch room. There was this "dung" noise that would periodically sound in our room's wall. We inquired as to whether the boys next door were just playing a one pitched string instrument of some sort, but to no avail. Then, on the tv, channel 19, let me paint this scenario for you: there was a thermometer on the left side of the screen and a heartrate monitor/EKG type machine on the right side of the screen. On top of the monitor were toys (cars, dogs, etc.) and something that looked like a barrel of a gun. This creepy little scenario was on channel 19 constantly. Always. One night, when the creepyness got a little out of hand (the "dung" got louder and started moving around the room) we realized that the barrel of the gun on channel 19 was pointed toward the wall above Grace's bed. And what did we find in that spot? A piece of duct tape, the color of the wallpaper, covering some sort of defaced part of the wall. CREEPY. We then decided that someone was trying to kill us.

3. Chris, Dan, and I made a snowman in front of a dining hall window with a 3ft long penis.

4. January 24, 2010 was the best day of my life. We had the best OD ski ever, with the best snow ever (especially now that a monsoon is passing through Brunswick...). I gave Walter Shepard, the biggest baller in my life, the biggest hug ever. Tim slapped my ass. We did flips into beautiful powder. There was chicken parmesan for dinner. Win.

5. The girl's team did a strip tease for the Bates boys. They loved it.

6. I had to profess my love to Tim in front of the whole team....and every other team on the EISA circuit due to a lost pepper bet. This is how I did it:

To the greatest coach in the whole EISA circuit,
I love it when you make that fine ass work it,
when you're rocking out to Tik Tok, or singing with Jay-Z.
The way you sip that gallon jug just drives me crazy.
I know that Carnie Crush is not for coaches and the like,
but I made an exception...and I wish I had a mic,
because I want my feelings to resound loud and true--
OMG TIM IM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU

He loved it.

7. Chris Plys.

8. The Americans are KILLING it at the Olympics. Also, I'm pretty sure that if I dyed my hair red, I'd look exactly like Shaun White. Also, I'm pretty sure that his second run made me jizz in my pants. Kinda like when I found the video of Chris Plys making his guitar gently weep for MTV. Can you say O face?

9. Sunday funday is happening this weekend. You all know what that means. Why yes, it does mean that the Middlebury Carnival got postponed one day, but more importantly, I will be crunk Sunday night. It could have been Saturday night, but orgo will surely be tons more fun with a huge headache (...not).

10. Oliver Burruss believes that the entire Bowdoin ski team is the spawn of Nathan Alsobrook.

That's all I can think of for interesting happenings about for the past 2 months or so. Don't worry, if I remember anything else, it'll fo shiz be up pronto/ASAP/AQAP, because my work load is, dare I say it, not so bad. Plus I need to keep Michelle up on my life since we haven't skyped in probably 3 days.

damn you caffeine

There have been complaints about the scarcity of updates, which is such a good thing. People love us, Michelle! They really love us. I blame this lack of blogging on the black hole of torture that was this past semester. Thankfully, grades are in, I did satisfactorally (def just made up that word--call the patent lawyers), so the semester is completely and oh so officially in my past; therefore, I have no excuses to not blog. Also, I had my first entire cup of coffee for a long long time about 2 hours ago, so I'm wired and ready to ramble. Sad story is that I desperately needed that cup of coffee to stay awake for the entire Avatar movie, which was 3 hours long and started at 9:40pm--or I thought I needed it. My heartrate was so high the entire time that I might as well have been doing a workout (secret training, bitches). So I had no problem staying awake, and the only thing the coffee did for me was make me have to go pee every 30 min. I felt like such an old woman, which sucked because the movie was just so fantastic, amazing, extraordinary, mind blowing, and every other synonym for awesome, and I just didn't want to miss a second. Never again will I sneak coffee into a movie theater, no matter how ingenious my sneakery might be.

Did I mention how incredible avatar is? I'm pretty sure I hate humans and earth and money now. Too bad I actually don't hate humans and earth and money. I felt like such a loser driving my gas guzzling yuk home from the movie theater, listening to Ke$ha sing about P. Diddy and pedicures and being crunk, all of which are things I love (well, I only love P. Diddy a lil bit). Maybe someday, probs in 2012, I'll get swept off to another planet that looks as though a giant black light is hanging out in the atmosphere by a buff, sexy, blue alien. Hopefully these aliens won't have such long hair, because lbh that hair was a bit creepy. We can live happily ever after without global warming or politics, and maybe I'll be smart like Sigourney Weaver because of my Bowdoin degree and I can learn about trees and such (and those crazy bugs that spin around. Who thought of all those weird animals anyway? I really really seriously want to meet that person because he/she must have the biggest baller imagination ever). Too bad this whole runaway to another sweet ass planet won't actually happen. Depressing. Let's discuss something that is actually logical, plausible, and completely realistic...like how fabulous the bag burger I ate yesterday was. It was even great when it sat like a brick in my stomach while I ripped up a 5k classic race. Needless to say, I've learned from all these pre-season races what NOT to do before my actual races.

Also plausible and realistic: Jason Bourne. I watched Bourne Ultimatum last night. Another awesome movie, and not just because Matt Damon is a hottie with a naughty body. It's also the violence and the car chases and the violence that makes this movie awesome. I also like that Matt Damon hardly talks in this movie. I find these stunning men even more stunning when they don't say anything. Maybe it's just because I'm so antisocial, I just like to sit and stare at my men. No talking. It's annoying. Ok, so I'm not that antisocial, but I do love that he busts chaps all over in silence. Violence is the answer, you know, silent violence. But don't tell my alien boyfriend that, or that I'm cheating on him with Matt Damon. He might just send his fire bird after me. Kinda like the phoenix in Harry Potter. So many movie references with so many hotties (yes I was in love with Daniel Radcliffe in like 6th grade), it's just so overwhelming. While I'm at it, let me just throw out Star Trek: Chris Pine is oh so fine.


And with that, I'm off to bed. If the caffeine will allow me... PEACE

PS Alabama won the BCS. awesome.

SuckyShittyEWW

This is such a shitty week. First of all, Maine people effing suck. For realz, people can marry whoever they want. Don't people realize the gender divide they are making? This is a huge political step back. Look at feminism and women's rights--it's no different really. People, you are actually discriminating against genitalia, because honestly, there is no other difference between heterosexual couples and homosexual couples. Love is love.

For less drastic shittyness...the Yankees won the World Series. Can you say lame? They've won, what, 28 world series now? yeah, lame. Don't worry Phillies, there's always next year. Let's pwn those yanks sorry asses. Also, school pretty much sucks right now. I just got a 68 on my orgo exam. What I'm actually angry about though is that the average was a 72, and there was NO SCALE! wtf. It was probably the hardest test I've ever taken. It was suppose to be an hour exam. Yeah, definitely took me 3 hrs to do and 75% of the class was still taking it when I left. Exam fail. And some dbag got a 98. All I have to say to you, Mr/Mrs Annonymous Crazy Person is get a life. Jeff informed me last night that there is actually a word for people like this in France--geteliffe, which translates into loser. I bet they voted yes on 1.

Alright sorry to the person who got a 98. I didn't mean to go so irritable on you. It's just been one of those weeks. On the brighter side, it snowed today! That made everything seem ok, because that means it's almost ski season. That means no more rollerskiing, lots and lots of bag burgers, Canada, Christmas, and the seasonal pilgrimages to my sacred home--SUGARLOAF. Oh the spiritual liberation from this abyss of work work work, stress, work, freakout, overexhaustion. And the light at the end of the tunnel appears. Thank the Lord.


Let's just look at the gloriousness